A non-introduction.

Quick quiz— what constitutes a salad?

You’re probably like, Ok, I’ve got this.  Lettuce, maybe some tomato, cucumbers, onion, whatever veggies you want… toss that ‘ish in a bowl, and voila!!  We have a salad.  Easy.  

No, it’s fucking not easy.  Prepare yourself, I'm about to destroy your life, or, at the very least, ruin your afternoon.

Because, no.  You’re forgetting about fruit salad.  That’s obviously a type of salad, it’s right there in the name.  Fruit SALAD.  And hey… no lettuce!  Unless you're trying to give me a freakin’ bizarre fruit salad, I guess, and that's weird and wrong.  It’s just different fruit, in a bowl, hanging out.  BAM, Salad!

So, ok.  Maybe a salad is just a mixture of various, cut up fruits or vegetables (or both— lookin’ at you, summer salads!)

Oh snap, then potato salad comes out of nowhere and fucks up your business.  Because that’s just potato and like, weird white substance.  No, I don’t know what it is, I’m not a doctor.  Also, whatever, shut up.

Point is… there’s no variety to the ingredients in a potato salad, yet it’s still a salad.  

So, is the binding agent what is making a potato salad so salad-y?  That unidentified white gunk?  Don’t tell me to google a recipe, there’s no time for that, and also I don't care.  But I mean, that’s the only thing separating potato salad from a bowl of potatoes, amiright?  And same goes for tuna salad and chicken salad.

So, if the binder is the key, is the bowl of lettuce and veggies not a salad until there’s dressing mixed in?  And what’s the binding agent in a fruit salad— the juice from the cut up fruit?   Does this definition make cereal with milk a salad???  

And does a salad need to be cold?  What about salads with warm grilled chicken or steak?  What what about the weirdos (read: culinary geniuses, because omg, love) in my area that put hot french fries on salads?

GUYS— IS SOUP A SALAD?!

Pause.  Because, now your mind is blown.  You either had no idea that this could be such a complex issue and are amazed!  Or you have no idea why anyone would care to argue such stupid semantics.  

WELL.  I’ve participated in this debate many times in my life.  Not even once or twice, like... many.  Do you know why?  ANSWER— Because my life is INCREDIBLY boring.